4am thoughts...oh I can be so insightful.
so i've been on hiatus for a while...screw it. Life's been...well life. At some points i feel so meaningless and bored out of my mind but then i turn around and can't get the world off my back. well not my back parsay...more of those i care about. Things have actually been going pretty much ok other than starting a new year boyfriendless yet again everything is swell. I couldn't ask for a better start. I think i've come to the point where i just don't care anymore b/c i'm doing my thing and that's all that matters. I see these people...some of them old friends who have families of their own. they work low wage jobs sometimes working more than one just to support their families. some of them are sad while i've talked to some that are content and couldn't be more happier.
That's how i am. Sometimes life may look shitty but I'm content. I may not have someone to share my love with or a family to take care of but i'm alright. In a year and a half i will have at least 60 kids of my own. 60 hormonally unbalanced, emotional roller coasters...and together we will learn about literature, writing and learning to trust one another. i know it sounds like all rainbows and butterflies...i know for a fact that it won't be. But so long as i make an impact on one life, all of it will be worth it. My day, my year, my career, all the nights i sit up studying for exams and writing term papers,...my life. everything will be worth it if i can help just one student.
I think i finally figured out my long term goal in life. I've known for a long time that i have wanted to help young people-Adolescents. I've just always had a hard time figuring out HOW. I used to think that my place was in a court room working with family court but then i saw that i had no passion for Law. I didn't want to have to only be able to help kids when they were in trouble or going through messy custody battles. I wanted to impact their lives. I wanted to help them see the true beauty in the thing that got me through some very lonely times...literature and writing. I went home for Christmas break. It was a very hard thing to do. As much as i loved my family i knew that i would be leaving so much behind in Arlington even though it was just for a month. At home there are so many problems going on of which one i just couldn't ignore. I can ignore the rude remarks my sister in law makes about me and i can ignore my mom and dad having little arguments from time to time but i couldn't escape my cousin. My parents took in my little cousin who had been a run away for months and just couldn't get along with her mother back in August. Everytime i spoke to my mother over the phone and she was upset b/c she didn't know what to do when my cousin did something or another, i kept on telling her to give her another chance. I tried helping my cousin understand that it was a new day. When i went home, it was quite a challenge. I was watching her behavior, attempting to console her when something happened. I was basically doing a case study w/out even knowing it. I finally figured things out. She's been told so many times since her parents divorce that she wouldn't amount to anything that she's set herself up for failure. she would get grounded for one thing or another and then get ungrounded. Next thing i knew she was grounded again for doing something else. Did i get really discouraged when i was with her and saw her fail? Yes, but you know what. til this day i still have faith that she can rise above her past and shake it all off.
Standing outside my mother's work one night waiting for her, I realized that although i love to teach, someday i want to become a guidance counselor...a psychologist. It won't be anytime too soon of course. One of my professor's has suggested that if i am serious about it, that i should get my masters in counseling and work in counseling for a while and then if i still see it in my future, go for my PHD in Adolescent psychology focusing in depth on what exactly i find interesting. he said i'll know what i want to do when i get there. He is, after all, a psychologist himself.
I'm happy with my life and myself. I have very achievable goals set before me and i don't have a doubt in my mind that i can reach for the stars. It does seem like a downer when i am here and having nothing to do but i remember that this is just the revolving door into adulthood. College is just a rest stop in my life. Sooner that i know it, i will be on my way out of here and out into the world.
That's how i am. Sometimes life may look shitty but I'm content. I may not have someone to share my love with or a family to take care of but i'm alright. In a year and a half i will have at least 60 kids of my own. 60 hormonally unbalanced, emotional roller coasters...and together we will learn about literature, writing and learning to trust one another. i know it sounds like all rainbows and butterflies...i know for a fact that it won't be. But so long as i make an impact on one life, all of it will be worth it. My day, my year, my career, all the nights i sit up studying for exams and writing term papers,...my life. everything will be worth it if i can help just one student.
I think i finally figured out my long term goal in life. I've known for a long time that i have wanted to help young people-Adolescents. I've just always had a hard time figuring out HOW. I used to think that my place was in a court room working with family court but then i saw that i had no passion for Law. I didn't want to have to only be able to help kids when they were in trouble or going through messy custody battles. I wanted to impact their lives. I wanted to help them see the true beauty in the thing that got me through some very lonely times...literature and writing. I went home for Christmas break. It was a very hard thing to do. As much as i loved my family i knew that i would be leaving so much behind in Arlington even though it was just for a month. At home there are so many problems going on of which one i just couldn't ignore. I can ignore the rude remarks my sister in law makes about me and i can ignore my mom and dad having little arguments from time to time but i couldn't escape my cousin. My parents took in my little cousin who had been a run away for months and just couldn't get along with her mother back in August. Everytime i spoke to my mother over the phone and she was upset b/c she didn't know what to do when my cousin did something or another, i kept on telling her to give her another chance. I tried helping my cousin understand that it was a new day. When i went home, it was quite a challenge. I was watching her behavior, attempting to console her when something happened. I was basically doing a case study w/out even knowing it. I finally figured things out. She's been told so many times since her parents divorce that she wouldn't amount to anything that she's set herself up for failure. she would get grounded for one thing or another and then get ungrounded. Next thing i knew she was grounded again for doing something else. Did i get really discouraged when i was with her and saw her fail? Yes, but you know what. til this day i still have faith that she can rise above her past and shake it all off.
Standing outside my mother's work one night waiting for her, I realized that although i love to teach, someday i want to become a guidance counselor...a psychologist. It won't be anytime too soon of course. One of my professor's has suggested that if i am serious about it, that i should get my masters in counseling and work in counseling for a while and then if i still see it in my future, go for my PHD in Adolescent psychology focusing in depth on what exactly i find interesting. he said i'll know what i want to do when i get there. He is, after all, a psychologist himself.
I'm happy with my life and myself. I have very achievable goals set before me and i don't have a doubt in my mind that i can reach for the stars. It does seem like a downer when i am here and having nothing to do but i remember that this is just the revolving door into adulthood. College is just a rest stop in my life. Sooner that i know it, i will be on my way out of here and out into the world.
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